Counselling and psychotherapy for estrangement

What is family estrangement?

Family estrangement occurs when relationships between family members reach a point where maintaining contact feels impossible or unsustainable. Estrangement can take different forms, including:

• Low-contact: Communication happens infrequently, perhaps only a few times a year or at family gatherings, but without meaningful emotional connection.

• No contact: One party finds any form of interaction—written, verbal, or in-person—too distressing and completely withdraws.

Who becomes estranged?

Estrangement can affect any family relationship, including parents and children, siblings, and extended family members. It often arises from a profound loss of trust, repeated misunderstandings, or an inability to communicate in a way that acknowledges and validates each other’s pain.

Who initiates estrangement?

Estrangement can be initiated by:

• Parents distancing themselves from their children

• Adult children cutting ties with their parents

• Siblings severing relationships with one another

What is it like to be estranged?

Estrangement can provide relief from painful or toxic family interactions, yet it is often stigmatised as something that “should never happen.” The experience is deeply personal and varies depending on one’s role in the estrangement:

For the person choosing to cut contact:

Feelings of guilt and shame may arise, particularly due to societal expectations about family loyalty (e.g., “blood is thicker than water”). The loss of a traditional support system can also be deeply felt. Additionally, when the estranged person presents themselves as the victim and responds defensively, it can reinforce the dysfunctional dynamic, causing further distress for the one who initiated the separation.

For the person being estranged from:

The separation can feel abrupt and confusing, often leaving them with unresolved emotions and uncertainty about why the relationship has broken down. Feelings of rejection may trigger defensive reactions or a lack of empathy, which can further entrench the dysfunction and make reconciliation even more difficult.

People who experience estrangement often express a wide range of emotions, depending on their role in the situation and their personal circumstances. Here are some things they might say:

For the person choosing to cut contact:

• “I tried for years to make it work, but I couldn’t keep subjecting myself to the same hurt.”

• “People don’t understand that this wasn’t an easy choice—it was my only option.”

• “I feel guilty, but I also feel relieved. It’s a strange mix of emotions.”

• “Every time I tried to set boundaries, they ignored them. Cutting contact was the only way to be heard.”

• “I miss the idea of having a loving family, but not the reality of how things actually were.”

• “They act like they’re the victim, but they never acknowledge the pain they caused me.”

• “Holidays are the hardest. I feel like I should reach out, but I know nothing will change.”

For the person being estranged from:

• “I don’t understand what I did that was so unforgivable.”

• “One day they just stopped talking to me. I wish I knew why.”

• “I feel like I’m being punished for mistakes I didn’t even realise I made.”

• “I’ve tried reaching out, but they won’t respond. I don’t know what else to do.”

• “It hurts to see other families getting together when mine feels broken.”

• “I never thought this would happen to our family. It’s heartbreaking.”

• “I wish they’d give me a chance to explain, but they won’t even talk to me.”

For both sides:

• “People judge without knowing the full story.”

• “It’s hard to grieve someone who is still alive.”

• “I don’t know if we’ll ever reconcile, but I also don’t know if I want to.”

• “Some days, I feel at peace with it. Other days, it’s all I can think about.”

Estrangement is a deeply personal and often painful experience, with no one-size-fits-all narrative. Both sides may feel misunderstood, hurt, and uncertain about the future. It is a complex and emotionally charged experience, shaped by the unique history and dynamics of each relationship.